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Confidence. Self esteem.

I hate pretty girls. Because they’re pretty and make me feel even uglier.

My confidence is so low, that I don’t even know if im attractive or not.

People tell me I am, but when I look in the mirror I don’t feel pretty.

Confidence is such a sensitive thing, that the little comment, or even a stare can great shift it.

If you cant go one day without feeling ugly, then I feel you.

Its hard. But don’t worry.

Even if love and happiness doesn’t seem to be coming your way, just wait.

It does get better. Because you want it to.

The Exciting Life of an American Teenager

The exciting life of an American teenager

I guess for 6 years now I’ve been mentally kicking my own ass. As much as I complain to my parents that no one likes me, the only person that I know for sure who doesn’t like me is well…me. I am my own worst enemy.
I can sit in class and think the people behind me are talking about me, but its really just myself. My conscience is taking my insecurities and giving them to little voices to whisper in my ear. But of course being a 16 year old girl this is probably a normal thing. Even still though, I feel left out…like everyone else is having more fun than me. Having black hair, blue eyes, and a pretty decent body shape you’d think id be a killer in the looks department…wrong. I might as well be transparent, people look right through me, and with the amount of people that bump into me I think people might actually try to walk through me.
I’ve never been to a party that didn’t begin with birthday, and the only time my lips touch alcohol is under the watchful eye of my parents. One time they even let me drink a full beer. Wow I am such a party animal. I’m not entirely lame though, I’ve snuck out, smoked pot, almost had sex, and stayed the night at a boy house, but its been nearly a year sense I’ve done anything worth bragging about on Facebook. Most my statuses consist of me complaining about what level in Super Mario I’m currently stuck on, or about how much I wish I had a cat. Maybe I should teen up, and go get arrested. But for now I think ill stick with my coffee, knee socks, and laptop because for now a 404 error is about all the danger I need in my  life.

Paul.

Freshman year I met this guy Paul, he was a junior and my god…was he the bees knees. I don’t know what I saw in him though, or still do see in him. Long ginger hair, big blue eyes, tall, skinny, absolutely depressed, pale, and he had a girlfriend. I’m not even going to describe how he made me feel.
I’m not attracted to the sick puppies, but maybe the girlish fantasy of having an older boyfriend just drove me straight into his already full arms.
This boy played my heart strings like a violin, but I did not give a crap. As long as I could be around him and have the hope that’d we end up together, I was perfectly content.
Paul was dating my friend Casey….’s friend, Karliegh. I’m not into taking my friends boyfriends, but I don’t know Karliegh so why Care. Good thing I didn’t too because then I wouldn’t be writing this for my blog.

I met Paul after school on a magical day when I was supposed to be in tutoring, and cleverly avoided it by simply not going. Paul, his friend Daniel, and some girl Megan (who I don’t like and never will) were in the parking lot of the junior high being total fucking nerds. Casey and I, Casey already knowing paul, approached them and for the 45 minutes that I was supposed to be in tutor I hung out with them…..Then my mom came, saw I wasn’t in tutoring, yelled at me, and I had to go home.

Pretty romantic huh? That night I asked Casey what Paul’s name was and of course it was Paul…who would’ve guessed. Oh and she told me about Karliegh and whatever I didn’t care! Soon me and Paul were pretty good pals. He told me everything, he told me his problems with Karliegh, his family, depression, and all that junk. Of course this set of my inner “oh yeah I can fix everyone’s problem” personality. While trying to help him through his problems I sneakily suggested him and Karliegh broke up. Ya I know, im terrible but whatever I was 14.

I still remember all the cold nights I’d sneak out and go hang out with Paul. Sometimes things got a little sexual…in a park…
My first ever “sexual” experience. It was exciting and riveting, it sent my prepubescent loins on fire. Because we were…ya know…pretending to rape each other…
I know what you’re thinking  “how the hell?” well let me explain okay? I’d lay on the picnic table when a car drove by, he’d be on top of me or between my legs pretending to hump me and I’d very jokingly call out for help. Stupid I know but again I WAS 14.

The next day he had told Casey that if he hadn’t been dating Karliegh he would’ve lost control and I probably would’ve lost my virginity on that picnic table.

Remember Megan? Well heres why I don’t like Megan. She liked Paul too, and while I never took things far with Paul, excluding the park thing, this girl went and kissed him. Not just a kiss but a full on sucking face with him.  Of course all out friends, especially me, were pissed as hell at her. PAUL HAD A GIRLFRIEND YOU CANT DO THAT. Of course that makes me a hypocrite but my messing around with Paul was kept under wraps, while she went and just told all of us what happened, feeling guilty of course, but then tried to make us feel guilty about being mad at her. She knew I liked Paul too, but I didn’t know she liked him. That’s why I don’t like her, I mean I could’ve kissed Paul too but I controlled myself, again excluding the park situation!

This one time (at band camp lol) Paul came to my house, and we were just chilling on the couch…maybe cuddling…and then all of a sudden he got really sad. He said he felt bad about messing around with so many girls while dating Karliegh…that’s when I knew I had to stop, I couldn’t keep being friends with Paul. After he left I went into my room and cried, I cried because I knew if I kept being friends with Paul my feelings would grow stronger and then I might be a Megan.

So I loosened up on Paul, we slowly grew farther and farther apart, and my feelings just slowly faded away. Last time I saw him was Sophomore year just a week before he was going to graduate, and I haven’t heard from him sense. I still think of him but I don’t ever see my feelings for him coming back. Bummer but oh well.

Even if you have feelings for someone, sometimes it might just be best to let them go.

Kicking It Off.

"When you’re ready, talk"….what does that mean? I could talk and talk for hours on end but would you really be able to help me? High school is messing up my head and its only going to get worse.

I’ve been out-casted in high school sense day one of my freshman year. My brother wouldn’t even let me sit with him at lunch! I probably wouldn’t let me sit with me either but still. But ever sense that day I’ve been forced to eat my soggy fries and greased out pizza with a variety of people, who I usually don’t even like. With, however, the exception of Madison. Funny thing about me and her is my brother dated her deranged psychopath of a demon- I mean sister. So we’ve pretty much been friends sense 7th grade and have sat at the same lunch table sense then as well.

Madison is one of those friends that you kinda want to kick in the throat sometimes, but you’re still friends with her cause she’s never done anything wrong to you…except annoy you..
Either way she’s the girl you can tell you killed someone and she wouldn’t tell a soul.

I think i’ll let my story begin in 7th grade: it sucked
Okay now to my currents moment in time 11th grade: it still sucks

Ill probably just sound like a bitter little teenager with a stick up her ass but oh well, I’m gonna say it..I HATE SCHOOL!!!!! Well not so much school, just the people…especially my ‘friend’ Aleecia. I use the term friend loosely because I really wish we weren’t friend.

We became friends over a boy(Devin), and all out problems started over a boy(Jake). But were not gonna get into all that just yet.

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